*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.