I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Wait a minute…
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.