I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.