Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
how it started vs how it ended
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it