*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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Well well well…
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Dance like you’re not the father
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
guilty