*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You Might Also Like
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.