It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?