Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
me when the borders lift
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.