Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Nose
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police