Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

I want to meet the individual who made this

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?