there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.


Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.


Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.


Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?


I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.


Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”


Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.



“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek