@dadmann_walking

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

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@JJSummertime

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@mynameisntdave

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

@English_Channel

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

@

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

@Proxic0n

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek