there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep