Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
still the best tweet of the year by far
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.