Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.