[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
This is a whole mood;
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see