6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Batman v Dracula
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!