Batman v Dracula
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like