Batman v Dracula
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.