I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You Might Also Like
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride