I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m not wrong
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year