Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.