Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.


That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.


“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December


It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.


Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.


Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.


Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.