@metickleu

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

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@thedad

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@JimGaffigan

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

@XplodingUnicorn

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@GrillinChillin9

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

@velvettusk

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.