Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.