If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
🙀🙀🙀😹
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.