For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house