I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.