I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.