Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Why font matters.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job