I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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welcome back
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.