George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Happy weekend !
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀