I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
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Mission: Impossible
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job