All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Boating season is upon us.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.