Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I like long walks away from everyone
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.