You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@thegoodgodabove

4 years ago

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

@hansabumsadaisy

2 months ago

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

@lovejulieacafe

6 years ago

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

@JillianKarger

3 years ago

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@SnarkyMommy78

7 months ago

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

@Marlebean

5 years ago

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

@david8hughes

7 years ago

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

@bekindofwitty

9 months ago

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.