HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine