You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Note to self: always read the final line
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay