I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.