I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The government even made aliens boring
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”