Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My current situation
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?