My current situation
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Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
spicy snake
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Yup.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping