I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .