Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?