The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
the composer
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring