As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.