Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.