SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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Here’s a meme
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
we’re gonna need another temp
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?