What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
that colleague who touches your screen
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“and how does that make you feel?”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”