that colleague who touches your screen
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣