Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland