the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Breaking news:
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.