I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Cause of death: Zumba
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
This sounds bad:
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw