-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.