I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

You Might Also Like


About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.


Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.


I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE


Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.


Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!


Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”



Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.


All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand