@Tbone7219

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

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@YourMomsucksTho

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

@_tomcashman

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@RickAaron

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@desusnice

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

@1Happytwit

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.