I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Y’all know who you are.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My neck, my back, my…
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.