@Tbone7219
@OneFunnyMummy -watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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@OneFunnyMummy 
@YourMomsucksTho kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
@stevevsninjas Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
@_tomcashman Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
@RickAaron My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
@punmagnate What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
@babyblue0924 I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
@BlackCatBettie If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
@desusnice someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
@1Happytwit My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.