@Tbone7219

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

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@CrystalMoon214

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

@bodybycheezits

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@GabbbarSingh

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@perlhack

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand