I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them


Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers


Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs


My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.


What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?


I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.


If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.


someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really


My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.