On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Bike for sale
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
🚲+physics = winner
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?