Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My love language is deader than Latin
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
men, we mow at sunrise.